I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
