If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
