who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
