..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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