He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
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She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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