Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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