I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
