i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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