Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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