Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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