TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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