Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
