Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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