did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
