she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
