You're completely useless in the revolution.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
