you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
