I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
