john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
