If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Every concussion has its silver lining
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
