Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
