Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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