I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
