tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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