I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
