So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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