just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
