There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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