I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
