There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
