I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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