I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
