those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
