My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
