Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
