Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
