conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
