Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
