totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
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Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen