someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.