Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
