hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
