so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
