Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
