Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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