Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
