I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
