You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
