She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
