so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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