I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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