Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
