I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
please don't ironically join a cult
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