well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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