did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
