At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
