mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
