If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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