shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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