don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
