im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
