It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
handjob tips. give me some.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
