I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
