one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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