Are we in a gay sports bar?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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