May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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